i want an elderly italian woman to mysteriously appear on my doorstep and inform me that she is here to show me my destiny and whisk me away to a remote, tiny village in italy where i’ll be taught to chop and sautee and whisk and cook, and after a montage of me in struggling in the kitchen (set to either the rocky theme or the godfather theme, i haven’t decided), i will one day emerge from her dim kitchen into the bright sunlight, victoriously holding a platter of the most perfect meal the village has ever seen, and from that day forward i’ll spend the rest of my life in the idyllic italian countryside, cooking for the hardworking but happy villagers, falling in love with a shy man with dark eyes and a wicked sense of humor, and never setting foot in a flourescent-lit office ever again.