the artist formerly known as smartblonde

with all respect to beyonce…you’d think someone...

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:34:00 -0500

with all respect to beyonce…you’d think someone would have told her about skype by now, no?

on the other hand, i think we’re all very lucky that...

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:23:00 -0500

on the other hand, i think we’re all very lucky that they’ve kept her in the dark about recent technological advances.

herp derppp. MONDAY, YOU GUYTH. AM I RIGHT? THERIOUTHLY.

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 12:11:07 -0500

herp derppp.

MONDAY, YOU GUYTH. AM I RIGHT?

THERIOUTHLY.

folkinz: so katie, kapi & i want to go to oprah…can someone...

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:14:05 -0500

folkinz:

so katie, kapi & i want to go to oprah…can someone make this happen?

sendustooprah:

MAKE IT HAPPEN, PEOPLE

oprah…are you out there??? are you reading this?? can you make our wildest dreams come true?! OPRAH YOU ARE MY FAVORITE THING

am thinking of changing my email signature at work to...

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 09:10:04 -0500

am thinking of changing my email signature at work to “GAGA 4EVA”…that’s not too unprofesh, is it?

krispayne: no one said that. definitely. nobody. i know no one...

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:36:01 -0500

krispayne:

no one said that.

definitely. nobody. i know no one who would have said that.

at least all those hats i've been compulsively buying will finally come in handy

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 01:38:00 -0500

i was feeling discontent and frustrated with my current life situations, so i did the typical girl thing of impulsively buying a box of hair color and deciding that all i really needed to do to feel better was change my hair.

of course! that’s it! don’t worry about reading the instructions or thinking about if said color will look alright on you or really even considering what you’re about to do! just look how happy the lady on the box is! dang, she must be smiling because her hair looks like that! and mine is about to look the same! so i will also smile!

so now i’m feeling discontent and frustrated with my current life situations, with the new addition of an exceptionally bad hair situation on top of everything else.

life lessons!

so it's been almost two weeks since my last cigarette

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:48:00 -0500

simplejulie:

I understand. As a former smoker, I miss it. Like you, I don’t miss the smelly clothes, fingers, or breath. But I do miss the social aspect, and stealing some time outside, by myself for those moments, calming myself with a cigarette. Here’s the part where you lose me. What kinds of “packs” became illegal? I have no idea what you’re talking about. And is that why you quit?

I smoked clove cigarettes (i know, I KNOW, but i’m allergic to regular ones, and cloves were just so…nice), and they’ve been taken off the market as of october 1. the new ban on flavored tobacco was extended to include cloves as well. on one hand, i’m relieved, because it’s forced me to quit, which i’ve been wanting to do for awhile. but on the other hand…ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i was never a super heavy smoker (about a pack a week), but i relied on it a lot to calm my anxiety and i’m kind of freaking out now that that crutch is gone!

so it's been almost two weeks since my last cigarette

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:28:00 -0500

and while i’m glad to have finally quit smoking…daaaang, i miss it. i keep finding myself going through the motions with whatever’s in my hands. i’ve smoked pens, pencils, straws, rolled up paper, paperclips, a cat.

i just looked on ebay (OUT OF CURIOUSITY, i swear) to see how much it would cost to buy an illegal pack, you know, just for security-blanket sake, and the same packs i used to buy for $5-6 are selling for upwards of $80. $80!!! that’s ridiculous! on one hand i’m wishing i had stocked up some to sell on the black market, and on the other hand i wish i had stocked up enough to last me more than just last month. i.e. stocked up enough so i could have one right now, right this minute. ugh you guys i’m jonesing. JONESING.

it’s not even so much about the nicotine, i think. i mean, the buzz was nice, but i just miss the physical act of smoking. that’s gross, right? i miss inhaling nasty smoke into my lungs? but i do. OH I DO. i miss having the excuse to go sit outside in the afternoon sun or under the stars and have a few moments to myself to regulate my breathing and sort out my thoughts. i don’t miss stinky smoke breath or, you know, LUNG CANCER, but i miss everything else about it.

full disclosure, i almost had a nervous breakdown last weekend because i was going through a lot of crappy stuff and i haven’t taught myself healthy ways to deal with stress yet and i just missed smoking so much i wanted to cry, so i went to the gas station and bought a pack of camel lights and lit one up with shaky fingers. but i’m a freak of nature and allergic to regular tobacco and i can’t inhale them without getting sick. (believe me, i’ve tried).

so i have that as my “patch” right now, and it’s sort of working. (and this is the part where my mom should stop reading). it’s sort of like having sex without an orgasm. you go through the motions and it’s alright, but there’s absolutely no satisfaction in smoking without inhaling. which is really frustrating, but also good because it means i have less and less desire to do it.

then again, i’m sitting here googling how to illegally buy them online and writing a 4,000 word post on how much i miss them and racking my brain if i could possibly have any packs that i’ve forgotten that i stashed away somewhere and OMG my fingers are shaking a little bit.

so i guess the final verdict is, hey! i quit! and i’m happy that i quit because i don’t want to be a smoker anymore! but UGH I MISS IT SO MUCH RIGHT NOW I COULD CRY. this is a phase of quitting that passes quickly, right? right???

folkinz: don’t you steal my dreams! let’s make it our dream, folkinz. OUR DREAM. but...

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:23:49 -0500

folkinz:

don’t you steal my dreams!

let’s make it our dream, folkinz. OUR DREAM.

but seriously if we get on the show i want to be the one sitting closest to her.

i only have one year left to achieve my life goal of appearing on the oprah winfrey show

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:20:15 -0500

ugh, i must become significant ASAP!!!

Stop Being a Wuss: How To Make Pie Crusts the Easy Way

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:14:00 -0500

Stop Being a Wuss: How To Make Pie Crusts the Easy Way:

here are his first four steps, in case you are doubting the awesomeness of this article:

Put a bag of flour in the fridge and two sticks of butter in the freezer. Go gloat about your superiority and complain about how hard you’re working and smoke or read for a little while.

Put about 2 and a half cups of flour in a cold bowl. ABOUT. The thing is, it doesn’t matter! Who has time and energy to measure things?

Put something more than a teaspoon but something less than a tablespoon of salt in the flour. That is like “three pinches.” It doesn’t really matter how much! Saltiness offsets sweetness! People, who are animals, like salt!

Put about the same amount of sugar in the flour! Give or take! IT DOESN’T MATTER.

not only is this recipe hilarious, i can tell from experience that it’s also probably going to yield you a great pie crust. servicey!

good thing it’s friday because my work here is DONE...

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:03:00 -0500

good thing it’s friday because my work here is DONE people. I AM THROUGH. FINITO.

THIS PUPPY IS WEARING TINY SNEAKERS. WE ARE ALL INVALID.

I DON'T WANNA BE FRAYYYNDS

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:27:41 -0500

chuck is curious like a harry caray.

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:25:00 -0500

chuck is curious like a harry caray.

"We curl up on the couch together, under a blanket, whisper I love you, I missed you, confusing..."

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:53:00 -0500

“We curl up on the couch together, under a blanket, whisper I love you, I missed you, confusing tenses I think.”

- lorrie moore, “to fill” (via bienvenue) (via meaghano)

ooof. so perfect.

omg you guys that is NOT A PICTURE OF ME knitting a sweater for my cat

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:07:00 -0500

THOUGHT U KNEW

anyway, back to your regularly scheduled program!

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:46:26 -0500

anyway, back to your regularly scheduled program!

this week has involved waaay too much time reading about various...

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:39:00 -0500

this week has involved waaay too much time reading about various conspiracy theories and researching the information i’ve found. i don’t know how it happened…it’s a slippery slope, kids. one day you’re laughing at icanhascheezburger, and the next you’re buying enough aluminum foil to make a full-body protection garment.

so anyhoo, looks like we’re all going to die in the gas chambers located in the secret underground bunkers of the denver international airport!!! IT’S ALL IN THE MURALS PEOPLE. IT’S ALL IN THE MURALS.

(why am i single?!)

valeriem: This is so my Thanksgiving. Hahahaha, and...

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:55:09 -0500

valeriem:

This is so my Thanksgiving.

Hahahaha, and mine…except I am the only one on my side (I guess that makes me the strangled dude?). I’ll just need to make sure everyone has extra helpings of my Green Bean Valium Casserole.